No More Guilt

Yes, people, hummingbirds fly overhead as I sit in a tee shirt, shorts and sandals writing this, soaking up sunshine coursing from a bright blue sky, admiring the mountains, blooming flowers, and the occasional hawk gliding on a gentle Pacific breeze.

And I plan to do it again tomorrow.

I'm finished hiding and feeling guilty because so many of my friends risk frostbite simply going to the mailbox.

Instead I'll just feel sad for y'all (though some of you seem to enjoy it), and wish you happy holidays.

Just a white boy

Curious | 4 What It Means

Curious [4 Strings]


I've got your name not your number
I heard you found some better place
All I can do is wonder whatever made you leave that day

I need to know a reason before I ask for a second chance
I'd be down on my knees if you came back again

'Cause I'm curious what you're doing
I'm curious where you've been
'Cause the way you make me feel has never changed
(Never)
I'm curious what you're thinking of
I'm curious if it's me
'Cause the way you make me feel has never changed
(Never)
(Ever)

Take your time to remember
But don't you take me for a fool
It's getting tough and I wonder
Did I ever give up on you?

I need to know a reason before I ask for a second chance
I'd be down on my knees if you came back again

Curious what you're doing
I'm curious where you've been
'Cause the way you make me feel has never changed
(Never)
I'm curious what you're thinking of
I'm curious if it's me
'Cause the way you make me feel has never changed
(Never)

Did I ever, did I ever
Did I ever give up on you?
Did I ever, did I ever
Did I ever give up on you?

A New New Life

Busy settling into San Francisco.

London Girls With Laser Equipped Thighs

...three of them in the shortest sundresses possible, sitting in a row on the bus before me , and I'm looking at their shoes.

They were nice shoes [but their bags didn't compliment them].

Two And A Half Years Ain't Bad

...for taking a break from blogging after first losing my mind, my possessions, then everything I had held dear before moving 2500miles away to start again.

I'm still in process, but things are getting better and I survived.

So I'll take my chance with you...

Friends tell me I am crazy
That I’m wasting time with you
You’ll never be mine
That’s not the way I see it
‘Cause I feel you’re already mine
Whenever you’re with me...

People always talkin’ ‘bout
Your reputation
I don’t care about the other girls
Just be good to me

Friends are always tellin’ me
You’re a user
I don’t care what you do to them
Just be good to me

You may have many others
But I know when you’re with me
You are all mine
Friends always seem to listen
To the bad things that you do
You never do them to me

People always talkin’ ‘bout
Your reputation
I don’t care about your other girls
Just be good to me

Life is a game of chances
So I’ll take my chance with you
And you I won’t try to change
We talked about it and I'd
Rather have a piece of you
Than to have all of nothing...

On Gay 'Pride'

Later today I'm going to be asked by very dear lesbian friends to march in the Columbus Gay Pride Parade. The problem is that I don't see anything to be proud of. What I do see is a throng of people whose values are quite different from mine...

I do not identify as 'gay' any more than I identify as someone who 'likes asparagus'. Though I have recently made internal concessions to affix an 'Equal Rights' sticker to the back window of my truck, it is in support of individual freedom rather than gayness.

But let me get to the heart of the matter -- I am pissed off that a vocal minority of outrageous fags has presumed to speak for me and my sexuality, and I don't know how to counter their actions. To participate in a parade in which men dressed in leather harnesses or prom gowns would be antithetical to what I believe, yet to not do so makes me appear cowardly.

But I'll not march in the parade, no matter what anyone thinks, and I'll maintain my integrity. I l know what I stand for, I know what I believe, and I am strong enough to fight for something better than living as a stereotype.

Aight

My mind is engaged in many thoughts from love, to home, to the cat sprawled on the dining table next to me, yet I am unable to break through the 'self-protective' barriers I've erected that I may express any of them...

I truly wish I knew how, as I've much to say.

Just made

...a big 'ole pot of Starbucks and some steamed rice and am enjoying it on my front porch [ahh, wireless] while eagerly awaiting the arrival of a Columbus street cleaning crew. They'd better come, not only because they're scheduled to, and our street needs cleaning, but because I had to get up at 7.30 am to schlep my ass up to 161 and Karl to get the wallet and car keys my roommate left in a friend's SUV, without which her car would have been in the way, thus subject to a fifty dollar ticket.

And it's not even her car, really; it's on loan from Jason, our mechanic, and he wouldn't be pleased. Now that I consider it, though, I'm not even sure it's his -- it could be registered to the junkyard for which he works.

Anyway, after retrieving the keys I made it home in time for my roommate to drive to work with her new grapevine beetle, safe in its bug house, and there will be no tickets for us, or a junkyard in Grove City, today.

Now to refill my cup...












This photo was taken on the south side of the street; the north side is being cleaned today.

There's a fly in my bathroom

...no big deal, right? It's almost Summer. But the thing is, I can't find it. The only evidence of its presence is an intermittent "Buzz... Buzz... BuzzBuzzBuzzzzz...." coming from somewhere I am as-yet unable to pinpoint.

Well, it'll die eventually.

So it's Wednesday

...and I have all kinds of obligations today through Sunday* that I have no idea how I'll meet; play rehearsals, job interviews, freelance project planning, volunteer work for Comfest and a Pride-related Sunday brunch, in addition to the usual laundry-doing, house-cleaning, food-gathering-and-cooking, and trying to be present to the needs of those around me.

Having laid it all out I now realize why I'm feeling torn in so many directions. Good thing I believe the Universe supplies the 'how' to get things done, 'cuz it sure ain't coming from within me.

Now I'm back to laundry and reading and showering and vitamin-taking...


*beyond that [and this is a reminder to myself] I need to get a Macromedia/Adobe app from Dan, re-create his logo and send it to him, get ZipLocs to freeze Kara's old hard drive, transfer her files to her laptop, return the sync and the app disc to Dan, do some work for him in exchange for fixing my PC... and there's something else; something which eludes me. Dammit!

First off...

First off, one should know I am constitutionally incapable of being completely honest in a public forum, even many private ones. Not that I'll lie, but I won't reveal much of anything I suspect would leave me vulnerable. Perhaps it was childhood abuse, parental neglect, or being raised in a vacuum -- but the cause probably doesn't matter.

What does is that I am committed to using this blog to let down my guard and speak of life as I see and experience it. And if you choose to hate me for it, that's your loss.

At least I hope that's how I'll feel about it.